Fear and Anxiety

Well now its 2010 and I’ve been a little slow at keeping up with this Blog. I’ve decided to post a few old Journal entries that I made a while back to help give you an idea of the frame of mind I had for the last year and half. It’s been pretty crazy. I have a lot of hang ups and reservations about what I did. The military brand of life isn’t exactly my type of life. I’m a geeky entertainment junky with a lot of pretty pictures in my head. Be them perverted or artistic (for lack of a better word). Deployment is in the air and eventually I’ll be likely flying to Iraq with a bunch of other green clad citizen-soldiers. I’m not going to lie and say that I’m not frightened…or that I’m not bitter. I am. Although, if everything comes out on top. I can begin rebuilding my world and our company with veteran benefits backing it all up. College, VA loans, stuff I don’t know about yet…blah blah blah. I’m still trying to understand the world of money management. I wish a little fairy that looked like George Washington would fly out of a one dollar bill and wave his magical wooden teeth and save me from my fiscal responsibilities.

The Apt Pupils are still strong and inspired. Though, just because we have been inspired, it doesn’t mean we’ve been all that productive. We are very much a trial and error group. I think that being that we are still young and impressionable we sometimes begin to think that life is easy. Then as time goes on we find ourselves stuck in the “blue collar” rut. We get distracted by bills and “luxuries” of comfort.

Then you have to slap yourself in the face.

So we’ve begun the process of cutting the umbilical cord of comfort. We’ve moved in with each other. Which can be a very bad idea or a good one. We’ve been together for a little under a decade now. It’s funny to think that we haven’t torn our throats out yet. Though, I’ve been attacked by wire hangers and verbally abused more then a time or two. Now we’ve begun to live like a commune together in one singular house. A total of five people. Three of us single, and one married couple. Imagine how hard that can be! Surprisingly enough we haven’t had too many skirmishes. I’m just hoping that my house stays in a peaceful status as we try to iron out our next move as a company.

I’ve learned that working News is not the right direction for me, and that the only way I’m going to get what I need out of life…is not from accepting subpar standards. Its not worthless profession. It’s just not a way of life that I can see myself being happy in. I don’t have control over my life in a world like that (Look at me saying that after I had just signed six years of my life to the United States military). I enjoyed my time there…but its time to move on and find a new way to make a living. The one big upside to being in the Guard right now is that I do have something to fall back on.

Once I get back from deployment…things will be more open and free for me. I’ll have the freedom to explore our profession without distraction. Travel and greet people I haven’t met. I cannot say if I’m for or against this war. I don’t have enough knowledge to understand any position, but I think the only thing I can do is try to make it into something beneficial. Maybe when I come back I’ll understand a little bit more…and actually have something to input. I don’t know. I do know that I’ll keep a journal of my thoughts while I’m there. I’m not the type who can keep his mouth shut. I’ll have to say something.



By Chaz Gentry